Just need a platform for me to release all this bullshits other than using Twitter.
Too many people I know at there.
Why though?
I just really don't get it every time when I start comparing myself to the others.
What is seriously wrong with my mind?
Why do I have to keep doing this to torture myself?
Keep lowering my own self-esteem.
Keep thinking that I am not good enough or whatsoever.
Scrolled through her Insta feed just now.
Damn
You guys were so so so sweet back then.
One thing I'm super jealous of her,
is that she is super close and she can easily get along with all of your girl friends so so so well.
Maybe it's because I'm really too Chinese,
also maybe because I'm not as rich as they are.
I'm sorry.
For breaking promise that I said I would never compare myself to the others anymore.
I just did,
and I'm sure I will do that again in the future.
But I'll make sure it ends peacefully,
at least it ends without your acknowledgement about my stupid thoughts.
I don't want to bring up any fights
nor make you mad
just (maybe) because of my PMS.
I'm sure you didn't want to know what happened tonight too.
I choose to not let you know.
I don't want you to leave me,
don't want you to think that I broke my promise or I am this kind of negativity-overload person.
I fear that you might dislike me,
dislike my personality like this.
You'll never know how negative I can be,
"Just try", "Just stop thinking about it", "Why can't you stop thinking like this?".
It's always so so so easy to say,
but I can guarantee that even you yourself won't be happy back that easily or shortly.
Actually every moment like this,
I just need a really long and tight hug,
and you would tell me I am good enough for you,
then I will be alright.
Actually, I ask for nothing much.
Just please do not scold me or get angry at me or even lecture me during these times.
Who doesn't want to be happy?
Who doesn't understand all those lessons and sentences and quotes and everything that I could've already understand years ago?
I know, I really know.
It's just that sometimes I don't want to tie myself up.
I wish to release my emotions out once in a while.
That's all I ask for.
I am no one to lecture, I am just a really simple girl who wish to be sensitive from time to time.
I really hope you understand.
But I chose not to let you know.
I have no idea if you will get fed up with me like this or not.
I have no idea if you got to know me like this, how long will you tolerate?
Hate me like this, seriously.
Why are you someone that I know though?
Why you can be so close to every one of them though?
Wonder how much have you guys been through
Wonder if you still love him
Wonder if you will go back
wonder wonder wonder
I hope no one sees this
I'm sorry, this doesn't mean to hurt you.
If by any chance you get to see this,
sorry.
this is just me, being me.
please continue loving me, if you think you still could.
and sorry.
I didn't know after all I still feel so insecure.
maybe I need a little more time
I really
really wish
I would actually settle down this time
til marriage
til 80 years later
this wouldn't be a dream right?
even if it is
please don't wake me up anymore
let me stay in this dream forever more
in my own little fantasy
in my own happily ever after
just don't wake me up
jut don't
